{Readers and Writers} What do you think of this short scene I just wrote? + BQ? {Revised}?

I dont know if I'm more sensitive to this stuff now but this is what I think. In the part where you said the teen it seemed obvious that you were sort of hiding the identity to add mystery but if I were you I wouldn't say teen because it sounds strange there and doesn't flow with what you're writing. It even became more bizarre when you tried to explain "oh he was doing something simple but escalated to a whirlpool of self destruction" and I just want to say don't force it on me just let it happen slowly. I didn't like it and I only read it because it was short. Sorry but that's my honest opinion. BQ:I think you are 11 or 12 years old. BQ: 4 but if you are a beginner than I think you can do better. BQ: I sort of already told you.